How My Insecurities Made Me A Liar And Villain

Befriending is an art I could never understand. How do people make friends?

Life before college was sundry. Not a huge gang, but a whole lot of people to talk to and hang around. My dance classes, the stage, the mic and the auditorium were my booths of salvation. For the most vocal and revered person at college had to prepare scripts to talk. Despite that, I couldn’t really understand why would people come to ME for advice? Why would they disguise me as the best/most amazing person they’ve ever met?

I could never figure that out.

I did make it to a good college and tabloids guaranteed a life of opportunities and fun. Being the hot shot of one’s campus seemed to be imperative. That was the only way out of my sundry existence. Enrolling for every random activity was my thing, albeit for the associated fame.

Jack-of-all-trades but master of none. I was a good marketer and I learnt to keep my prospect gang convinced. But then what I did receive was reverence and not friendship. Befriending those well wishers remained a mystery in my isolated life.

Soon, these people entered my Facebook friend list. But my priorities rather means of getting an edge was sifting me away from them. I used to give in my heart and soul to every society and club I was a part of, education too was important. And maintaining a balance came at the cost losing out on friends. For, the rush was towards popularity, and in turn, making friends. I wonder if it should’ve been the other way around…

It became fearsome for me to realize that I did not want to be neglected as ‘ordinary’ and ‘mundane’.

For how long could one sustain achievement-oriented without real achievement or passion. And it did hit back. Those were the days when societies seemed exhaustive, and managing their affairs became unnecessary and irrational. Honestly, I had nothing to do soon. Without friends, and with no ‘direction’, what was the way out?
I needed an alternative in life. What bothered me more were the people around me sifting in relationships. Mind you, I still described them as directionless.

Managing average grades seemed difficult now, never mind extra-curricular which didn’t have any scope. I was looking for the better career move, and with my present state, it became even more imperative. To resolute my ego or seek an alternative of not being ordinary or mediocre.

Life has unique ways of pulling out stuff. I was at it yet again. Yes, I did bag an internship at an exquisite news house. Guess what? They thought pitched me for an interview with hotshot film stars. What followed now were weekly selfies on Facebook and Oh my god comments. I was back! Felt a relief.

But then this wasn’t supposed to stay this way for long. I had exams to pass. And the journey yet again terminated.

Yes, it did bother me. Not for my inability to be with the organisation but the questioning I thought was obvious- “Ajkal selfies nahi aa rahi celebrities ke saath? Are you still with that organisation?”

The former never came, of course. Nobody does peep or observe into profiles except creepy stalkers. But the later did. And that is when I lied.

I did for sometime, fearing loss of reputation and respect. Perhaps, the stupidest thing I could do. THE STUPIDEST THING I EVER THOUGHT!

Insecurity enhances performance component is a myth. It illusions to surge it, until you sit to realise you cannot do the basic. And after a point, failures would pile to irritability.

It was never important to be at the zenith at all times. But then my insecurity meted with my loneliness couldn’t prevent me from lying. I had this very bad habit of lying more to girls. Remember my ‘directionless’ friends falling in love?

I never found myself any less qualifying. But then my contained anxieties did make me feel less competent. Nevertheless, I did have a relationship. And she was definitely more intelligent than the over-dressed people at college. It worked out well, really well. And perhaps my exaggerations did make her believe she was dating a hotshot. Nonetheless I realised later, she cared little. She didn’t love me for the impressive resume (she had a better one though) but for the person. Everyone does that, but I did not realise that. Steadily my realities were coming to her realisation. I lied, yes I did but that was because I feared losing her citing my incapability. Things turned real sour after a point. Our campuses being afar solaced me of not seeing her anymore. For I do regret my actions.

The heartbreak ruined my internals in the first year itself and crying in the library, only for that ‘directionless’ friend to console me. Bloody hell, he topped the class. This was now an eye-opener.

I gave in my entire existence to insecurity. I still state satisfaction is a sin, but if you’re alternate operandi is insecurity, you’re fucked. Anxieties and fears are products of an illusionary mad race. We pursue a life with passions-as premises to prove ourselves and imitating the ideal ‘cool’.

Only when I stopped over-analysing myself, I discovered myself in a more capable and happy state. Not that I am doing brilliantly in life, and having the perfect friends and relationship. But what I do have is peace. I know I wouldn’t fret again for not achieving or underestimate myself.

And guess what? I have achieved things for real and wouldn’t have to lie anymore.

– Saptaparno Ghosh, Editorial


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