“Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don’t sample the goodies unless willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.”
-Ann Landers
Be it from the classic “selfie” to Miley Cyrus’s “twerking” or the concept of “friends with benefits”. This uber-cool concept finally infected the east as well! Looks like we pick up a lot from the west, after all.
‘Friends with benefits’ sounds pretty modern and convenient, doesn’t it? Well, surprisingly, this “modern” term was actually coined in 1995 by singer Alanis Morisette in her song ‘Head Over Feet’.
In a simple and direct essence, friends with benefits is “friends who add sexual activity to their relationship.” Sex without romantic commitment, though not to be confused with a hook-up devoid of emotions, is what friends with benefits do!
To some, this kind of arrangement might be appealing, whereas some might conceive it as an absurd idea. Moreover, the fact that such a relationship is neither meant nor right for all of us cannot be denied. Usually people who indulge in it are cagey about it. Unlike in a committed relationship, one doesn’t really have to cajole the other into it. The people involved are primarily candid towards each other. Well, that is what friendship is about, isn’t it?
Robert A. Heinlein said, “sex without love is merely healthy exercise.” It is a calculated risk you take. Many a times, questions like ‘is the basis of friends with benefits lucid? Or is it lunacy? Is it worth enough to keep one’s friendship on stake? Is it a desperate measure to satisfy sexual need? Or one just gets a rush out of it?’ arise. I have my own answers, you will have your own. It’s about the perception.
Friends with benefits can both boost your ego or bruise it. Everything in the world has its pros and cons, and this is no exception. Everything is merriment as long as the mutuality persists. But the boat starts to rock when either of the two starts getting bored or develops a liking out of the arrangement. The dynamics certainly change and there is some big-time ego-bruising. This is usually inevitable.
In a small study on “friends with benefits relationships” by Bisson and Levine (2009), there is a clear picture of the future of such relationships. The study showed that 28.3% people continue their arrangement, whereas, 35.8% stepped out of it but continued to be friends. But, 29.5% of people completely terminated both the friendship and the benefits and only 9.8% actually ended up together in a romantic relationship. Not a very rosy picture.
In reality, just like porn creates false impressions about sex, the movies made on much hyped subjects like “Friends with Benefits” and “No Strings Attached” portray this concept in a euphemistic manner.
‘Friends with benefits’ is not a new phenomenon – it’s just that the frenzy and fuss about it has surged off lately; it’s an overrated concept now. Being self-explanatory, it suggests that you stay friends while simultaneously reaping sexual benefits. But the male species “usually” want the benefits, which throws the whole friends part down the trash. Whereas the female partner gets her hopes high leading to unreasonable expectations. It ends up with an emotional whirlwind and a demand of a committed relationship.
So yeah, people kind of screwed up this once-cool concept. Or was it always so messed up?
McGinty’s research done in 2007 kind of backs up my theory. His research very precisely concludes that “male focus on benefits, female focus on friends”.
I am not stereotyping or making an attempt to portray men as heartless sexual creatures but just simply stating a common scenario.
This kind of a relationship is commonly in existence amongst young adults (thanks to the raging hormones), who are still “actively exploring” their sexuality.
Frankly, we all are attracted and lured towards this idea of FWBs – most of us are. The idea sounds tempting and the guilty pleasure seems irresistible. But what holds the sensible ones back are the array of negative possibilities. One may wonder, what possible major downhill could a random fling could have? Let me enlighten you then:
One basic fact that says it all is that it is difficult for us humans to separate our sexuality from our emotions. Even when men do that, they do so outwardly. Moreover, one of the partners naturally gets more emotionally attached. It cannot be avoided or controlled.
The sad reality is that one-fourth of the men and one-third of the women expect a romantic relationship out of this. But sadly, less than a 10% of the population actually get it.
Let us open our eyes, then. Question our intellect, set priorities and then take informed decisions. Don’t worry if you make mistakes because the one who has to stay stays no matter what and the one who is meant to go, will leave. What’s the point of holding onto it?
Remember, every wrong turn eventually is a path leads to some new destination.
“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day- and another in case it doesn’t rain.”
-Mae West
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